Numbing like a boss

I’ve been pretty quiet of late… some gob smacking events have forced me to take space and pause. And in the s l o w i n g  d o w n, in the quiet - wow - it has brought up sooooo much.

How I constantly numb when the uncomfortable feelings come knocking – numbing with incessant busyness, with booze, social media scrolling, email checking, to-do lists – help me escape!! I’m not a celebrity but GET ME OUTTA HERE!! I don’t want to FEEEEEL this.

I’ve always struggled with anxiety and an overly active mind – well before I even had a label for it. I can remember feelings of panic and disassociation well back in my early teens. Most likely before.

Around this time the bulimia began –

binge

and

purge

to exhaust the mind and body and hide from having to deal with what was real. It led quickly to drinking, drug taking, all night bangers - distractions of different flavours and colours ultimately with the same purpose  - numbing and blocking like a boss!

As I’ve watched over the years, one addiction, we could say, comes to replace the next. I’m no boozehound any longer but my eyes do get glued to the device and sucked into the social media vortex. Same sh*t, different day really.

Pema Chödron puts it perfectly in her amazing book ‘When things fall apart’.

“We do the big escape: we act out, say something, slam a door, hit someone, or throw a pot as a way of not facing what’s happening in our hearts. Or we shove our feelings under and somehow deaden the pain. We can spend our whole lives escaping from the monsters of our minds.”

This great teacher, along with Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Rumi, Hafiz – the list is endless – opened me up to the idea of staying put. Of opening up to what’s there and sitting with it rather than running, numbing, denying its existence.

Allowing it to change, to transform. To be less afraid of being afraid and begin gradually to rewire the pathways of the brain.

So this morning, when I awoke and the uncomfortable feelings came knocking I had just enough presence of mind to not reach for my phone or my laptop but I took a deep breath, mustered my courage, stepped in the sunshine and found a tree to sit with and I just let them allll in. Opened the doors and watched it all take place.

I have that amazing Rumi poem ‘The Guest House’ stuck to the wall of my toilet and today I saw it with fresh eyes. It’s this one – you may know it.

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~Rumi

How do you deal with the ‘monsters of the mind’? How do you work at staying connected to yourself even when it’s the most challenging thing to do?

It’s a moment to moment practice that’s for sure. And life long. But in a way, how lucky we are to be able to practice. To change the pathways and form new connections that serve us, help us heal and be able to heal others.

Pretty bloody great I reckon. Pretty bloody great-full even.